Losing My Manhood

My name is Carl, and I am a 21-year old junior at Dartmouth.  This is my
third year as a member of the equestrian team.  I joined the team in
order to wear breeches and boots regularly and to get dressed up for
horse shows.  I also joined up in order to check out the females on the
team.  The team was all women except for me.  One would think that I
dated everybody on the team and got laid all the time.  That was not the
case.  My teammates looked at me as another girl, but in a man's body.
They laughed at me for dressing well for lessons and for dressing up
really well for horse shows.  I enjoyed dressing up for riding.  I
thought that they would be impressed.  Even though they mocked me,
whether it was behind my back or to my face, I did not care.  Every
evening after riding I would masturbate multiple times.  I dreamed of
wearing equestrian attire, and if I could not, I would not bother to ride
for the equestrian team.  I felt so privileged to partake in English
riding.  It is such an elegant sport, and the clothes are so magnificent.

A ramble on my childhood.  My real name is Carlos, and I moved to the US
from Argentina when I was 14.  We moved to Connecticut.  My family was
wealthy in Argentina, but we were bottom of the barrel in Darien.  I got
a job as a stable boy at the local private equestrian club.  I got to see
all the pretty popular girls (blue eyed blondes) from my high school
there.  They would ride there, have lessons there, and were also there
for local horse shows.  They treated me like crap and totally looked down
on me.  But I enjoyed the job and went home with a hard on and jerked off
every evening after work.  I was not popular at school.  I was a
foreigner with an accent.  The popular guys would push me around in the
hallways and in the locker room.  At the riding club, their girlfriends
would treat me like crap.  They would whip my rear end with their riding
crops.  They would make me polish their boots while wearing them.  I got
nowhere with these girls obviously.  I could not even kiss their booted
feet.  The only action I got was that I got involved with a fat girl
named Melanie (the only non-gorgeous girl at the club) at the club.  She
was so undesirable that guys would reject her offers to give blowjobs.
It was a shame because she had a very pretty face.  We eventually got
involved.  Of course I always went down on her, but I never received oral
pleasure  While other guys got blowjobs all the time, I always performed
cunnilingus for Melanie.  When news of our relationship details got out,
this got me further ridicule at school.

Moving on to college, I got nowhere with girls on the equestrian team.
They were just like the girls at the club in Darien, except smarter.  My
relationships were one night stands with mediocre looking students.  Now
it is Spring semester at Dartmouth.  I am staying on campus for the
summer.  I rode the last fall, and I am riding this Spring.  A few of us
stuck around for the semester.  It was a warm May Saturday afternoon.  I
finished my ride and tacked up the horse.  My teammates and I got dressed
up and went trail riding.  It was our makeshift hunt.  They left promptly
after the ride because they had to do women stuff at the salon.  I was
wearing a dressage outfit (the black riding coat was a waistcoat).  I
also wore a silk ascot around my neck and my dressage boots had high
tops, meaning that the front had a leather flap that stood upright and
covered my kneecaps.  As I walked out of the stall, Scott walked into the
stable.  He wanted to see if Dana was around.  Scott and Dana
(prototypical blonde in a Ralph Lauren ad) dated for three years and
recently broke up.  They were still friends, and surprisingly ended their
relationship amicably.  Scott had the prototypical look of a Ralph Lauren
model.  He is really good-looking.  He spoke briefly and suddenly he
said, "Give me a blowjob."  I said, "What?"  He said, "I am hard.  Get
down and suck me.  I have not gotten any action in a month."  Scott and
Dana broke up six weeks ago.  I said, "No way.  I am not gay."  He
grabbed my arms hard and said, "Get down, I am not going to ask again."
I told him to walk with me and that I needed to take a few steps back.  I
needed to sit on a stack of hay.  I could not bend my legs in these tall
custom dressage boots.  I told Scott to give me a couple of minutes to
get a hold of myself, and that I would.  He said okay.  So many thoughts
were racing in my mind.  I was straight, but I had gay fantasies.  I
always fantasized about giving another guy a blowjob.  In the beginning I
fantasized about receiving anal sex.  I was so mesmerized by the sight of
a cock in porno movies and pictures.  I thought it was the lowest thing
for a man to do - suck off another man.  But at the same time I ws so
jealous of women blowing guys.  Scott finally said, "Come on!"  I
unbuckled his belt and pulled down his jeans.  He was wearing skimpy
black cotton underwear, similar in style to mens' Speedo shorts.  I
kissed his cloth-covered cock for a minute.  Then I pulled down his
underwear and out popped his erect eight-inch dick.  It was straight
forward and pointing up at a 45 degree angle.  What a sculpted and
chiseled dick.  I admired it for a few seconds and kissed the head
briefly.  I was feeling awkward and nervous.  This was my first time.
Was this how all these teenage girls felt their first time?  I was afraid
to open my mouth.  Finally my mind pushed my mouth open.  I took in a
mouthful of Scott's erect dick.  I could not take in more than five
inches in my mouth.  I pulled my mouth back while keeping my lips tightly
around his cock.  My teeth did not touch.  I applied what I received and
expected when women in college blew me.  I moved back forward with my
mouth.  This continued for ten minutes.  I tickled his scrotum with my
left hand fingers and then extensively felt his frenulum.  I tried to
stroke the untouched part of his cock with my right hand fingers.  I was
doing the best I can.  I was applying all that I liked when women blew
me.  I did not receive a lot of blowjobs, but I knew enough of what I
wanted and liked.  I assumed Scott was the same.  Finally Scott shot his
load in my mouth.  M mouth was full of his cum.  It tasted salty.  TO
describe it, cum is a bunch of white goo with a salty taste.  It did not
taste bac, just a bit salty.  I did not feel like swallowing.  Scott
said, "Come on, pretty boy, swallow it."  He pushed down on the top of my
head.  I finally gulped ans swallowed his load.  He told me to keep
licking his penis and to lick up any residue cum.  I did and swallowed
that too.  Scott said I was pretty good for a first time.  He also said
that I went down pretty easily.  I thought it was borderline date rape,
but I actually enjoyed the experience.  I am glad he was aggressive.  I
never would have seen myself in such a situation.  I thought this
scenario was only a fantasy in my mind when I lay in bed.  I never
expected it to happen.  I was actually glas that I was slightly forced
because this saves some sense of heterosexuality.  This act throws in
doubt my manhood and sexuality.  I guess I am a pretty boy cocksucking
wuss of a man.  Maybe partaking in a feminine sport/activity and enjoying
dressing up accordingly pushed my sexuality and enjoyment to the
"opposite side of the fence".  The tight breeches (and wearing skimpy
briefs underenath) is kind of gay.  I felt so content and satisfied.  I
really enjoyed giving.  It reminded me of my ex-girlfriend Melanie.
Instead of muffdiving, now it is sucking cock.  After every riding
practice or lesson, it seemed as if I was the last one to leave.  Scott
would show up and I wound get down and suck him.  I got better at
sucking.  I can now deep throat him.  I also leaned to master the gag
reflex.  He enjoyed my blowjobs.  Scott said I was better than any of the
girls he dated.  My mouth was bigger, I was more eager to go down deeper,
and I was able to handle him being rough.  We also talked after the one-
sided sexual encounters.  We were friends, but I was his friend with
benefits.  Now it was early August on a Saturday morning, and I was about
to ride.  I was the only one there.  Scott showed up; usually he came in
the afternoons or evenings.  This time after I blew him, he told me to
turn around and bend over a stack of hay.  I had on the same outfit as my
first blowjob day, but I also wore a yellow vest under my black riding
waistcoat.  I unbuckled my belt and started to pull down my breeches.
Scott took over and pulled them down to my knees.  He took out a lotion
bottle and poured it into one of his hands.  Then I felt a slap on m
right but cheek.  Something warm and wet was now on my right but cheek.
I was wearing a white cotton thong under my breeches.  Scott did the same
thing to my left cheek.  I moaned loudly after each of the first two
slaps.  I thought I came in my thong.  He slapped some more lotion on
each cheek.  Then he caressed both cheeks with his hands.  Then he kept
slapping my right cheek until I felt like it burned.  He did the same to
my left cheek.  He took out a tube of K Y jelly and poured it into his
left hand.  He used his right fingers to dab some of this KY lube and
applied it to my frenulum and anus area.  My rear end and anus was clean.
I had a bikini wax three months ago, and I used the bathroon and took a
shower just before coming to the stable.  Scott now probed my anus with
his two fingers covered with KY.  I had a sudden cold sensation in my
rectum.  He felt around for the male G spot in the rectum.  Then he
throust his fully erect manhood into my anus.  I felt a sharp pain.  I
thought my anus was ripped wide open.  I thought I was bleeding like a
sink faucet.  He kept on penetrating deeper and deeper.  Now Scott had a
rhytym.  He put all 8 inches into my anal canal, and pulled out but left
his dick head still inside me.  He thrust forward and pulled back.  This
in and out rhytym continued for a half hour.  Finally Scott shot his load
into my anal canal.  He slapped me on the but, pulled up his briefs and
pants, and left.  I was so sore.  It was exhilirating, but I felt like my
anus was ripped apart and was bleeding.  I just lay there on the stack of
hay for a half hour.  I did not care if anybody walked in.  Luckily
nobody walked into the stable this morning.  Finally I pulled up my thong
and breeches ans walked home.  I walked funny, and I hope nobody saw me.
I could not get on a horse today.  I felt as if a dam broke n my mind.
The next three encounters Scott anally penetrated me after I blew him.
After the fourth anal encounter, I realized that I like anal sex, but I
can live without it.  It went back to the routine of cock sucking.  Scott
never offered to blow me, and I did not want him to either.  I want only
a woman to blow me, but I also love to suck off a guy.  I only want to
penetrate a woman anally (and of course vaginally).

Now I began my Senior year at Darmouth.  Scott got a job in New York and
would leave.  He told me that it was over, and we could still be friends.
It was easy for him to say.  I was so attached.  I said sobbing, "How can
you say that?  I am so attached to you.  You took my manhood.  I sucked
you all the time.  I swallowed the load, and sometimes it tasted
disgusting.  Don't you have any appreciation?"  He told me to get over
it.  He said that I sounded like a girl.  I acted effeminately and wore
tight clothing and resembles a girl, and that is why he went after me for
sex.  I was another sex object, except that I was a man.  He said it was
okay for him to do what he did because he was the dominant one.  because
I was the giver, I was the wuss, the faggot, the real gay.  He thought I
was becoming like a girl and getting all emotional, and he wanted to end
it right there and then.  Scott did the ultimate disrespect to me by
telling all the girls on the team about our summer sexual encounters.
All the girls looked down on me.  They mocked me.  They said what I did
was sick and so low that is was unconscionable.  They called me flame
boy, suck boy, and other names.  Rachel, a senior, told everybody that I
was the stereotypical gay.  Good-looking, well-dressed and had to be gay.
Based on my summer encounter, it was true n their minds.  I enjoyed my
time with Scott, but I did not want a relationship with him.  I agree
that I was attached because I lost my manhood to him.  I like and love
women.  I can have sex, friendship, love, relationship with women.  I
guess when it comes to sex, I am bi (gay in their book).  Ironically Dana
started talking to me.  Eventually we became good friends, and the rest
of the team left me alone.  Dana was a senior, the team captain, and
everybody liked and respected her.  She told me that Scott said many good
things about me.  He was just an asshole in breaking it off with me
because he was a typical insecure guy who wanted to go back to hanging
out with his fraternity brothers.  Dana thought I was really good to
Scott, I filled a void in his life after she broke up with him.  Dana
told me that I treated Scott the same way that she treated him.  He could
not be appreciative and stick with one person for a long time.  Now it
was the first Saturday of October.  We ere n Vermont for a horse show.  
After the show Dana and I went for a walk on one of the riding trails.
We were both dressed in dressage attire.  She  had on the normal Konigs
dressage boots.  Otherwise we were dressed alike.  We held hands the
whole walk and stopped in front of a tall maple tree.  We looked at each
other.  I moved my face forward and kissed her on the lips.  Dana kissed
back, and we kissed for several minutes using a lot of tongue.  We are
now a couple.

I do not regret my summer encounter.  I explored another sexual world,
and became more of a man for it.  I will not  get involved with another
guy again.  My sex and romantic life has now come full circle.  Dana is
my dream girl, the type of girl that I always dreamed of.